I feel that you're uncomfortable with therapy
and to deal with it, you're treating our sessions
like one of your press conferences.
Not true. Next question.
Look, this is all new stuff for you.
It's understandable if it's a little scary.
I'm not scared.
No, no, maybe you're scared because I don't need you.
Analyze that.
Mike.
All right, you want me
to lay it out for you, I'll lay it out for you.
I have intimacy issues. I'm a workaholic.
I'm always surrounded by people,
yet sometimes I feel completely alone.
Can we take care of that today?
Well...
Oh! And when I'm in a cab,
sometimes I pretend I control the driver's feet.
Why don't you just tell me what's going on in your life right now?
Well, my best friend's coming into town.
I haven't seen him in a while 'cause he's in the Navy.
But he's staying with me for 2 weeks,
and I'm excited about this because he's like homebase for me, you know?
That's a good start.
The best start of any patient ever?
You can add hyper-competitive to the list.
Is that like the best list ever?
I think it's really good that you're here.
I gotta tell you, I'm a little concerned
that everyone's gonna be able to tell that I'm seeing a shrink.
Good morning.
You can tell, can't you?
Now, that's way too much coffee.
Ok, now. As you all know, the mayor's declared this Thursday
the first annual tolerance day.
- Oh, Mike? - Shut up, Paul.
I know what you're thinking. Yes, tolerance day exists as a way to connect with
hard-to-reach communities during an election year. But those of us less cynical
know that it's also about caring and understanding and blah blah blah blah blah.
Flaherty! Incoming!
Whoa!!!!
Somebody... Do something!
Ooh, I love a man in uniform.
I'm there.
I love 'em out of uniform.
Still there.
Aaaaaaagggghhhhh!
Look out!
Whoa, hey, boys and girls.
I want you to meet the finest fighter pilot in the Navy.
Nate and I kicked a lot of butts in our day.
Nate kicked a lot of butts. I was in charge of taunting and running.
In school, Mike could say something so mean it'd make your nose bleed.
Been there. He once called me a crybaby.
Ha ha ha. Crybaby.
Oh, God.
Everybody out, everybody out. Let's go. Nate and I got a lot of catching up to do.
- Nice meeting you. - Everybody out. Here we go.
Aagghhh! Aagghh!
So now what?
Hey, my cousin's getting married in Paris!
I'm so sick of weddings.
All that pressure to catch the bouquet.
You break one girl's collarbone, and suddenly you're desperate.
I just wish I could afford this.
I could help you out.
No, I got a strict rule...
never take money from a friend.
Hey, Stuart, can I borrow 500 bucks?
Last time a woman asked me that she was wearing a wire.
Stacy, tell you what I'm gonna do.
Paul, you big beautiful man.
You're gonna lend me the money.
Ha ha ha ha. Don't be ridiculous.
Lend you the money.
Stacy, I'm gonna teach you
something amazing about money.
James, give me a dollar.
Let me tell you a little about my philosophy.
Right in the hands.
Mike, I can't get any further
on the inner city mentoring program
until you call the governor.
I'll call this afternoon.
I can't believe it. My old buddy newt
can get the governor on the phone.
Newt.
Yeah, you know, like, knute rockne.
No.
Like the tiny lizard.
Hey, I saw Rick streep a couple of months ago.
Get this... he shaved his head.
Huh? Ha ha ha. I mean, come on. What a dufus, right?
Not that bald's not beautiful.
No, no, look at Uncle fester.
This is great. I gotta tell you,
I really needed this.
Me too, buddy.
Listen, I'm just gonna hit the head.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Thought I meant go to the bathroom, huh?
That one always kills them in flight school.
Well, uh, Nate seems like a great guy.
He is a great guy. He's got it together.
He is so self-actualized.
Mm-hmm. I'm sorry, did you just say self-actualized?
Yeah.
Oh, my God. You're in therapy.
No, I'm not.
I'd say you're about 3 sessions in.
You're projecting.
4 sessions!
Janelle, are you getting ready for tolerance day?
I already picked out a tree.
You know, Christmas has Santa, easter has the bunny.
We need a symbol... something that tolerates man
no matter how trying he may be.
Hmm. How about a woman?
Sir, James is working on your tolerance day speech,
- and he's almost done. - Barely started.
I hope eventually people celebrate this day more than just once a year.
You know, sir, working with Stuart, every day is tolerance day.
I find that offensive.
- I found it funny. - Me too.
Does rags have to keep staring at me like that?
You can move him, but you'll have to touch him.
So you're bummed out your buddy blew you off?
Naw. I know it's his first night in town and everything, but still I...
Ok. I just can't deal with this.
All right, here we go, rags. There we are. Uggggghhhhh!
Where can I put him?
He likes the oven.
I think sports center's over.
Hey, why are you on TV?
STUART: Oh, baby.
Oh, what the hell are you doing?!
Um...
It's just a little home movie.
Aw!
You know what? Let's go find Nate.
Mike, he could be anywhere in the city.
Good point. Let's split up.
He's probably hanging with some old girlfriend.
The guy hasn't seen me in 3 years.
He's not gonna blow me off for some girl.
I told you.
Good morning. You were gone before I woke up.
Yeah, I had a lot of work to do.
- I was up at 5:00 a.m. - I have a paper route.
Mike...
I'm gay.
Are you sure?
Mike, can I come in?
Oh, come in, come out, we're doing it all in here.
Mike, I just wanted to talk to you about... Wow!
You look great today.
- Stop it. - No, you stop it.
Why don't you both stop.
Yes, you in the back.
No comment at this time.
Yes, madam?
No, sorry, still married.
Anyone else? Anyone at all?
Yes, miss paterno.
What are you doing?
Scrimmaging. Keeps me sharp,
on the edge, where I gotta be.
Paul, I need your help.
Well, well, well. Look who's come a-crawling.
Look! This isn't a proud moment for me,
so let's do this quickly,
or I'm gonna grab your tie, pull it hard,
and smash you in the head.
Point taken. You got a budget?
Aha, aha, very good, very good.
What's this $40 for?
Manicure.
Manicure!
Why do you think you got teeth?
Stacy, the lassiter plan is not for the casual penny pincher.
It takes sacrifice, dedication, and a looser definition of hygiene.
And you're happy living like that?
Happy. Who's happy? I'm miserable.
But 20 years from now when I retire,
Claudia and I are gonna wipe the grins
from our face with twenties... maybe fives.
And so that's how I found out he was gay.
Interesting.
What? What's interesting?
Well, it's kind of a fun story.
Well, I'm here to entertain you.
So you have a problem with your friend being gay.
And how do you feel about that?
Mike, I'm the therapist here.
The next time we're gonna work on this control freak thing of yours.
Michael, I think you're homophobic.
I'm definitely not homophobic.
Then, it's quite possible you have feelings for this Nate.
Ok, I'm a little homophobic.
The bottom line is Nate's here for 2 weeks.
He's gonna be with Carter, and there's nothing you can do about that.
I can't believe I'm getting shipped out tomorrow!
It's just nuts is what it is.
Mike, Nate. Guess who is so hip
he managed to wrangle a table for 2 at po tonight?
Give you a hint. It's me!
Listen, Carter, uh, I just found out
I'm being shipped out tomorrow.
So I thought, you know, I should spend my last night in town with Mike.
Hey, why don't you come with us?
Um, that's all right.
You guys need some quality time.
I got laundry to do anyway.
You sure?
Hey, Nate, guy's out of socks.
I'll just see you next time I'm in town.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's another 14 months?
Well, listen, I'm heading out.
You want me to drop you off at my place?
Yeah, cool.
I'll call you before I leave, Carter.
I'm sorry it worked out this way.
See you.
So, why did you have him shipped out?
Does every session have to be about me?
Look, let's try a little role-playing, all right?
Imagine that Carter is here.
You see, I can't do that. Ever since last night,
every time I think of Carter, I think of him kissing Nate.
Just picture Carter in an environment you feel secure with.
Yo, Mike.
What's on your mind?
No, no.
Olé.
Mike, can we get on with this?
Ok, I'm good.
Ok, so you've just told Carter what you did.
What's his reaction?
I forgive you, Mike.
In fact, it's probably all my fault.
This technique is excellent.
Mike, I'm sorry for being gay
and causing all this trouble.
No problem, buddy.
Thanks, doc. This is really helping.
"Every citizen will be washed
in a cleansing shower of open-mindedness?"
I'm sorry, James, we can't say this.
This could be offensive to the French community.
I went to Paris in the late sixties.
They all smoke, the women don't shave their armpits...
Most romantic city in the world, my ass.
Sir, you've made me rewrite this speech 4 times.
First because I suggested that everybody smile at their neighbors.
Smiling, James?
The British.
And then because I made a reference to a chicken?
The chicken is sacred to the Jamaican people.
What?
Voodoo! Voodoo!
I can't believe you had him shipped out.
You are the most selfish person I know.
Carter, are you sure that's really the way you feel?
Maybe you forgive me.
Try it again.
Excuse me. Let me run this by you guys.
Ok...
"Tolerance is about standing outside yourself
"and seeing the world from another man's perspective.
It's about empathy, sensitivity, and respect."
Apparently, Mike thinks it's about treachery, deceit, and betrayal.
I think I'm gonna go with what I got.
I didn't do this to hurt you.
Nate and I were starting something.
Because you couldn't handle it you sent him away,
now he's gonna find somebody else.
Find who? He's gonna be on a ship with 6,000...Men.
You take this out on me if you want,
but I think you need to ask yourself
who you really have a problem with.
Carter... Carter, wait.
Oh, good, there you are. What's that?
Doritos.
Doritos? Who are you, the queen of england?
I didn't buy them.
I got them free from the delivery guy. A whole case.
Greasy Charlie gave you a free case of doritos?
Yeah, but I have to go to dinner with him and his mother.
But, he's taking me to all-you-can-eat buffet at chicken world.
Oh, you're very good. Very good, stace.
I'm very proud of ya. Now, don't forget.
Land o' plenty.
What are you doing?
Oh, my God.
I've become Paul.
Relax. If you were Paul, you would have spent the morning
scouring the parking lot for change.
Hey, newt, you ready to head out?
Yeah. Uh, Nate, just... Come on in for a second.
I just wanna talk to you about something.
You, uh, you, uh, being, uh, gay.
Uh, does make me a little uncomfortable.
No!
It's just that I have almost 30 years of memories of you
and... and... I don't know what to make of them now.
You know, what... ok, what about that time
I'm at my place, right, and I was just chillin',
and I'm sitting in the tub,
you come in, you take off all your clothes, and you get in with me.
You know, what was that?
Mike, we were 4.
So, you're claiming there was no sexual tension.
Hey, no... no... no. Come on, come on.
Don't... don't laugh at me, ok?
I'm angry enough as it is.
You're angry at me?
You didn't trust me
enough to tell me.
Mike, you know, when you did find out,
you acted like a complete idiot.
But you didn't trust me
long before I acted like a complete idiot,
and I think that's what we should be focusing on here.
Look, Mike, if you can't handle this, I understand.
Maybe we should just move on.
Oh, come on, and do what, Nate? Like, end the friendship?
It's just... you've had your whole life
to come to terms with this, and I've had 2 days.
How much time do you need?
I don't know, man. I'm still reeling
from my mom going on her first date since the divorce.
- When was that? - That was April.
1989.
- Let's grab a beer. - Good idea.
All right, now that's not funny.
Mr. mayor, we're on in 5...4...
3...2...
Hello, New York.
I'm here to introduce tolerance day.
A new holiday for our city.
Of course, there's no parade
and you don't get the day off,
but bus and subway service will be affected.
What is tolerance?
I think the answer lies in what tolerance is not.
Prejudice,
malice,
small-mindedness.
Sure, there are days
when we think everything's ok.
But it seems like every month it happens again.
A time of irrational behavior,
resentment towards mankind,
it's as if half the city has gone completely nuts.
There isn't a single American family
that isn't affected by this.
And I, for one, won't stand for it anymore.
Thank you.
Have a good day.
Hey, good morning, sunshine.
Now that Nate's gone,
you think everything's back to normal?
You know, Carter,
why don't you take the rest of the day off?
And do what, Mike?
- Oh, I don't know. -
♪ Love lift us up where we belong ♪
♪ where the eagles cry ♪
♪ on the Mountain high ♪
♪ love lift us up where we belong ♪
♪ far from the world below ♪
♪ where the winds blow ♪
hey, stace, what's the matter?
What's the matter? I'm sticking to your stupid plan,
all I saved was 28 bucks for Paris.
- You stopped frivolous spending? - Yeah.
So you've learned to change your ways.
Yeah.
Here you go, kid. Have a good time.
Thank you! Oh, my...
it's a bus ticket to Atlantic city.
I'd put it all on black.
Maybe red.
MAN: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.
[BARKING]
Moo.